What REALLY Happened
by Keith Roberts
Summary: So, here we find out what REALLY happened in Harry Potter's legacy. All rights belong to JKR, but after reading this, she'd most likely regret becoming an author :P ALOT of Quirrelmort! Hallowe'en is kind of an intro; this is still Hogwarts Era with the Golden Shower (Golden Trio) and their classes Mild racism, fascism, sexism, morbid humour, macabre humour, modern jokes...
1. Chapter 1: Hallowe'en

T'was Hallowe'en...

Lord Voldemort was pale, near-soulless bloke, with little to do when he received a tea party invitation from the Potters.  
"Kay", he said, sending a voice-owl back to the Potters.

_He had become a Lord when his Uncle Morfin died and left him a will. Inside was a small fortune and a piece of paper that read:_  
_'The rock is charmed so only a Lord may be able to pick up the orange rock...'_  
_As Morfin was dead, the charm lifted itself; underneath the paper was indeed a small orange rock. Voldemort picked it up._  
_"Guess I'm a Lord now...", he muttered. Skid-mark Riddle and Thomas the Wank Engine were bad enough titles, he thought; this'll do._

So Lord Voldemort left his socks in the wash, so he put his shoes in his fluffy pink satchel he received last Christmas from Ally, who preferred the name Albus, but none the less, Lord Voldemort called him Ally. He then set off out the door, with a charmed angel halo around his head and a fake 70's porno moustache and down the road where he came across a small wooden bridge. With a small child on that very bridge.

The child turned and said:  
"Nice costume, sir!"  
Voldemort chuckled at this and flipped open his robes when he felt a pigeon nip his foot, exposing himself to the child. The child then screamed; Voldemort screamed; the Lord slipped back, his robe got caught under his own foot and fell to the floor and he caught a tiny splinter in his pinky toe and once more screamed then he, too, fell to the floor of the bridge, where another splinter joined onto him, but in Voldemort's seventh testicle (7 is lucky). In sheer rage, he started firing curses everywhere and when he stopped, the child was on the floor: dead.

"Fuck", Voldemort muttered. A pale 56 year-old, naked none-the-less, with a halo hovering over his head, an enlarged 7th bollock and a dead child did not look good. The Lord threw on his robe and ran up to the Potter's doorstep.

Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, dingdongdingdongdindindindidnidnidnidndindindindobneibneobne.

A 'wtf' look on his face, James Potter opened his door to Skid-mark Riddle - no, Voldemort.

"Ya cock's hangin' out, mate," James muttered, nodding towards the latter's knob.

With one slick swing, Voldemort flipped his Basilisk back into his see-through robes - wait...see-through? He now hated Anne Summers.

And so, the Pale Lord entered the Potter House, noticing the absence of a ginger and an overgrown foetus.

"Where's ginge and babz?"

"Mai ho be puttin' tha little fucka to bed :P" James answered.

Voldemort pulled out his wand and conjured a chair and, without putting away the wand, he moved to sit down, but stepped on a Lego brick and accidentally killed James in retaliation. Then his robes disappeared again.

"Fuck." Voldemort said, trying to remeber the something of life to get people up again...

"The Piss of Life! Where one adapts the Piss to one's mouth...dafuq?" and the Pale Lord proceeded to empty his bladder into James' mouth.

It didn't work, so Voldemort, still naked, clambered up the stairs after a sip of Vodka, to tell Ginge and the Foetus what happened.

"Oi Ginge! Foetus! I got summat ta say!" A white, naked entity, with 7 bollocks, knocking about like a Newton's Cradle, frolicked into the bedroom. The Fetus cried.

"It's Lily and Harry, twat. By the way, ya dick's hangin-" but it was too late.

The naked mass stepped on the unplugged plug by the door. And, you guessed it, killed Lily. And set off a CO curse, and thus Voldemort collapsed due to Carbon Monoxide poisoning and baby Harry survived. Possibly because of his skill with da 420 blazing, he could handle a bit druggin' here and there.


	2. Chapter 2: Escaping the Fat Fucks

*A decade or some shit layta*

Harry Potter woke with a start as bad as a Paralympic Athlete. A bright Khaki-Nordic-Orange-Biotransport (K.N.O.B for short) was outside his window, which still had a bar on it.

'Fuck off, Terrence' Harry yelled, and Terrence, the barkeeper, fucked off. Harry put on his glassess.

'Wiz cum 2 pick U up, blud' George Woggly said, coughing up a marble and a toothpick.

'Get rekt' Fred said, waving his hand about liek a fagit.

Harry jumped into the K.N.O.B and noticed Rin Woggly sat in the back seat, wearing a gymp suit wit his hands tied together.

After like a fuckload of years (3 hours to be precise), the K.N.O.B flew down at a set of Travik Lites, still hovering in plain view of Mugglesbians.

The K.N.O.B bounced about like a ghetto car and boomed loud music with sick lirikz: 'I have a big dick! I have have a big dick! I focked ya mum, and she guzzled my cu-'

The stereo stopped when Draquesha Muffloy shot it with an Intervention with ACOG:

'Get rekt!' He yelled, and drove away.

George and Fred leaned out the door windows. The Doors are a shitty band, but these K.N.O.B doors had controls for each window in the K.N.O.B, even the passanger doors had them. So, both twin Wogglys leaned out the window, but on the controls. George's window moves up and cuts his ear off, whilst Fred's moves at the speed of an angry Kenyan, beheading the ginger twat, killing him.

They opened the door after flying off again and pushed out Fred's body, which landed on a helicopter and was mutilated to the shit.

The gymp, wanka and now-deaf kid got hoe(m) safely. Their house was called the Muff Burrow. Named after one particular competition held anally their every June ... and May ... and Layla ... and Alisha...and ya mum! OOHOHOHOWRBGOWRBWICBIUWV! GET REKT 420 BLAZIT BRUV FUK OFF BICHT!

That's basically it, so Harry is about to start his second year at Genitalwarts School of Bitches and

A/N:

Hope you're enjoying this so far; just wait until they get to Genitalwarts! Lucious Muffloy is not happy :D :D

Also, you may have noticed Fred didn't die like this in DH, but this is what REALLY happened ;) 


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